How to Tell Your Children About a Divorce

Reviewed by Carrie Warner, Attorney at Law, SC Bar No. 72836 · Last reviewed November 2, 2026

The way you tell your children about a divorce can shape how safe they feel in the months that follow. In general, it helps to tell them together if you can, keep the message simple and honest, reassure them it is not their fault, and explain what will stay the same. It also matters legally: South Carolina custody law looks at whether each parent supports the child’s relationship with the other parent and avoids drawing the child into the conflict.

Before the Conversation: Plan It With the Other Parent

If it is safe to do so, try to agree with your spouse on what you will say before you sit down with the children. Children often watch both parents closely. When they hear the same message from both of you, it can feel less frightening.

Points to agree on ahead of time:

• Timing. Pick a time when no one has to rush off, such as a weekend morning, and avoid birthdays, holidays or the night before a big test.
• Who will be there. Many parents tell siblings together, then follow up with each child separately.
• The basic explanation. One or two sentences you both can say honestly, such as “We have decided we will not live together anymore. We both love you, and that will never change.”
• What changes and what does not. Where the children will sleep, which school they will attend, and how they will see each parent.
• What you will not discuss. Affairs, money fights, blame and court details stay between the adults.

If there has been domestic violence, or if a joint conversation is not safe, do not force one. Your safety and the children’s safety come first. Our guide on divorce when there is domestic violence explains protective options.

What to Say: Age-by-Age Guidance

Every child is different, so use these as starting points rather than scripts.

Toddlers and preschoolers

Very young children understand routines more than explanations. Keep it short: “Mommy and Daddy are going to live in two houses. You will have your bed and toys at both.” Then show them, rather than tell them, by keeping meals, naps and bedtime as consistent as you can. Expect questions to come up again and again, sometimes days later.

Elementary school children

Children in this age group may worry that they caused the divorce or that they can fix it. Say clearly that the decision was made by the adults, that nothing the child did or said caused it, and that it is not their job to change it. Give concrete details: which days they will be at each home, who will take them to school, and whether the dog is coming along.

Preteens

Preteens may want more information and may notice when parents are not being straight with them. Be honest without sharing adult details. It is fine to say, “That is between Dad and me.” They may also start taking sides. Gently remind them they do not have to choose.

Teenagers

Teens may react with anger, withdrawal or what looks like indifference. Give them room to talk when they are ready, and avoid leaning on them as a confidant or a messenger. Teens often care a lot about practical matters like activities, friends, driving and where they will live during the school week. Listening to their concerns does not mean letting them make the decisions.

Things to Avoid Saying or Doing

Some of the most common mistakes come from stress, not bad intentions. Try to avoid:

• Criticizing the other parent, or allowing relatives to do so, where the children can hear
• Asking children to carry messages, keep secrets or report on the other household
• Asking a child where they want to live, especially in the first conversation
• Sharing court papers, financial disputes or details of misconduct
• Making promises you cannot keep, such as “Nothing will change”
• Discussing the divorce on social media where children or their friends may see it

Why This Matters Legally in South Carolina

When parents cannot agree on custody, South Carolina family courts decide based on the child’s best interest. S.C. Code § 63-15-240(B) lists factors the court may consider. Several of them relate directly to how parents behave during a divorce, including:

• the actions of each parent to encourage the continuing parent-child relationship between the child and the other parent, as appropriate, including compliance with court orders;
• the manipulation by or coercive behavior of the parents in an effort to involve the child in the parents’ dispute;
• any effort by one parent to disparage the other parent in front of the child; and
• the child’s adjustment to home, school and community, and the stability of the child’s existing and proposed residences.

In plain terms, the way you talk to your children about the other parent may become part of the record if custody is contested. A calm, child-focused approach is good for your children and is consistent with what the law asks of parents. You can read more about these factors on our pages about the best interest standard and child custody and visitation.

Your child’s preferences

South Carolina law requires the court to consider a child’s reasonable preference about custody, weighed according to the child’s age, maturity and understanding. There is no set age at which a child gets to choose. Because of that, pressuring a child to state a preference, or telling them they will get to decide, can backfire. In some cases the court appoints a guardian ad litem, a person who investigates and reports to the court about the child. Our page on the guardian ad litem role explains what that involves.

After the Conversation: Keep Things Steady

Telling your children is the beginning, not the end. In the weeks after, it often helps to:

1. Keep routines. Regular meals, bedtimes, homework and activities give children a sense of control.
2. Check in often, briefly. Short, low-pressure questions in the car or at bedtime may work better than a big sit-down talk.
3. Let the school know. A short note to the teacher or school counselor can help them notice changes in mood or schoolwork. Share only what they need to know.
4. Consider a counselor. A licensed child therapist can give children a neutral place to talk. Many parents find this helpful even when children seem fine.
5. Use a written schedule. A calendar on the refrigerator or a shared app helps children see when they will be with each parent.
6. Take care of yourself. Children notice how their parents are coping. Support for you, from friends, family or a counselor, is support for them too.

How a Parenting Plan Helps Children

A parenting plan is a written document that describes where the children will live, how time is shared, how major decisions are made and how parents will communicate. Under S.C. Code § 63-15-220, each parent must file a parenting plan at a contested temporary hearing. Even when parents agree, putting the plan in writing can reduce arguments and give children predictable answers to the question “Where am I going this weekend?”

Our article on parenting plans in South Carolina covers schedules and decision-making in more detail. If your child has medical, developmental or educational needs, our guide to divorce with a special needs child covers planning for those needs.

A Simple Checklist

• Agree on the message with the other parent, if it is safe
• Choose a calm time with no rush
• Tell children together, then follow up individually
• Say it is not their fault and that both parents love them
• Explain what will change and what will stay the same
• Keep adult details out of the conversation
• Avoid criticizing the other parent or asking children to choose
• Tell the school counselor and consider a child therapist
• Write down a schedule the children can see

For the legal side of separating, from finances to filing, start with the South Carolina Divorce Guide.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should parents tell children about a divorce together?

When it is safe, telling children together with one shared message can be reassuring. If there has been abuse or a joint talk is not safe, it is fine to handle it separately.

At what age can a child choose which parent to live with in South Carolina?

There is no set age. The court must consider a child’s reasonable preference, weighed by the child’s age, maturity and understanding, along with other best interest factors.

Can badmouthing the other parent affect custody?

It can. South Carolina’s best interest factors include any effort by one parent to disparage the other in front of the child and attempts to involve the child in the parents’ dispute.

Should I tell my child’s school about the divorce?

Many parents let the teacher or school counselor know in general terms so they can watch for changes. You do not need to share legal or personal details.

What is a parenting plan?

A written plan for where the children live, how time is shared and how decisions are made. In South Carolina, each parent must file one at a contested temporary hearing.

Sources

• S.C. Code Title 63, Chapter 15 (Custody and visitation; best interest factors; parenting plans)
• S.C. Code Title 63, Chapter 3 (Family Court; guardians ad litem)
• South Carolina Judicial Branch: Family Court